Wellbeing and being well
A few years ago, after becoming ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I was told in countless different ways that I would never feel healthy again. No matter how much actual rest I got I would, from then on, always experience fatigue. The treatment for this was minimised physical activity, no exercise and should I feel ill at any time I was to go to bed, lie down and do nothing.
I grappled and fought with this change the whole time I actively suffered from Chronic Fatigue. But what became even more impactful for me were the years following where my physical symptoms fortunately subsided and yet much of my suffering continued.
The risk of becoming sick again terrified me and I became increasingly cautious with myself and my body. I was anxious and fearful, often saying no to things I wanted to do, stopping all exercise and meticulously tracking how I was spending my energy everyday. I often feared going to bed at night worrying that if I didn't get an uninterrupted restful sleep it would ruin the following day. All that overthinking didn't lead to much sleep. I missed most of my first two years at University and my social life was limited.
However, over time this mindset started making less and less sense to me and one day it occurred to me, that my wellbeing might not be dependent on feeling physically well.
The more I reflected on this the more I saw how much suffering I was causing myself. I recalled moments where I had felt happy and well even when actively dealing with my symptoms. This was proof that my physical state actually had no power over my mental wellbeing. If I could feel happy and present some of the time, irrespective of how my body felt, then why didn't I all of the time?
I could see that I was subconsciously running habits (constant rest, being careful, putting my physical health before anything else) that at one time had been helpful in getting myself back to better health. They were no longer needed now that I was healthy. It was like a film that I used to play everyday in my mind that I no longer wanted, or needed, to watch.
I was in fact suffering from thinking about fatigue and not the fatigue itself. I could be free from this thinking and the behaviour it resulted in and stop suffering from something that was no longer happening.
Through understanding this I could also see that my newly uncovered mental wellbeing was innate and unbreakable, even from the suffering of the body.
Of course, when we are sick or tired there are physical implications which may require rest or medical help. And at times those physical conditions may be uncomfortable, painful and limiting. But knowing everyone's experience of life is entirely psychologically created makes it possible to have a good quality of life no matter the state of our physical health - giving ourselves the best chance of navigating illness with all of our internal capabilities and resilience.
I know my wellbeing does not depend on being well.
I am no longer anxious or worried when I begin to feel sick, I take the appropriate precautions and rest but I don't let my mind run riot. My sleep is the best it has ever been and even when it isn't, it no longer has any power over how I feel the following day. Knowing this means I now trust my innate resilience and wellbeing unwaveringly. Nothing can bend or break it. Not my circumstances or life events. Not even my body.